He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
