the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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