I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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