i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, beer. Big fan.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
