next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
