I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
