onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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