Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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