Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
