Your tits are I can't wait for
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
