I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
