I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
