mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
