I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
