I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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