Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
there is glitter all over my balls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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