I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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