he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
