How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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