I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
