I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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