got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
