i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
