Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
