You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
