i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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