When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
