do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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