Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
