is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
