I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
