lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
