I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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