he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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