my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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