paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
