It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
