ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
