Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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