Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
