Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
