I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize