Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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