Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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