If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
