I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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