better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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