Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was born a porn star she said
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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