dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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