i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
