Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
