nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
