if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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