i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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