Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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