you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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