Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
