im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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