I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize