You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
