btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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