took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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