How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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