Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
