tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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